i have had alot of people send me messages via text, email, fb, etc and tell me thank you for sharing my journey through the medical side of a breast cancer patient and what they go through...but many said i did not talk about how i felt emotionally....wow! i am good at talking about details, but never have been good at expressing my feelings....when i was first diagnosed i told God if he would get me through this nightmare i would pay it forward..i had no idea how, but he told me...girl...you so got the gift of gab, use it!!!!! tell everyone your story and how I got you through it...here goes...
my husband of 12 years and i had separated, but agreed to stay together for financial reasons...i kept my end of the bargain, but he decided not to...i was under the impression our bills were up to date since he took care of that...unfortunately, on may 6, 2009, he depleted our accounts and left me with a home that was in foreclosure...i had a 16 year old child still living at home, 3 dogs and a cat.....i had also been laid off from my job...it goes without saying..i was in freak out mode.....i had a part time job in the domestic violence shelter i still work at, but no way would that pay for us to live on...i was already looking for a job so continued.....on this same day my breast begin to hurt pretty bad...i ignored and focused on trying to find a solution for the facts my son and i were about to be homeless...may 7, 2009 my breast hurt so bad i eventually took ibuprofen to help with this pain...i sold everything i owned to help with the down payment on an apartment....may 8, 2009..my breast still hurt and i continued to take ibuprofen, but ignored....this was a friday and the weekend i worked at my part time job..i went to work and continued ignoring the pain...finally, that night may 8, 2009 at 11:22 pm i massaged my breast and put my thumb directly on a tumor....i immediately freaked out knowing ovarian cancer and breast cancer were friends and my mom had died 8 months prior from ovarian cancer....i reasoned with myself that i had a mammogram that was normal just 6 months prior so this knot had to be a cyst...my deep gut feeling told me it was not, but never in a zillon years did i think it was cancer..no way..there was no breast cancer in my family and i was 42 years old...but....i called my obgyn on monday and made an appointment for wednesday (ironic part is no pain once i found the knot...tell me God wasn't in that scenario - cancer does not hurt in the early stages) i go to see my obgyn and she thinks it feels "suspicious" so sends me for an ultrasound...after the ultrasound the doctor comes in immediately and tells me my knot is "suspicious" and he wants me to see a surgeon for a biopsy...at this point, i had not been scared..now, i am scared to death...i call my sister who does her best to make me feel better by telling me it was just a precaution...i still cannot imagine it's cancer, but go for my biopsy...the surgeon looks at my knot through an ultrasound and tells me it is "suspicious" and we need to proceed with the biopsy....i have always been told the more they do the worse it is..he takes 7 biopsies...i tell him that i had implants the year before doesn't he think it is just scar tissue...he tells me he hopes so, but we need to see and would call me by friday....as, i was leaving i will never forget the look on his nurses face... i knew it was cancer by her look, but still played it off....two days later, i get the call from my surgeon...he says, ms. hedges, i have the results of your biopsy back and i am sorry, but it is cancer...i was by myself with my sweet dog alex and i remember saying to him..no, dr. burns...this is barbie hedges....he says, yes, i know who this is..i said..well, do you have the right person's chart?..he says, yes, i do...i'm crying hard at this point..total mental break down...i felt like i just received the kiss of death....all i could think about was my mom and the chemo and all she went through and now i was facing it...what about my kids..i wanted to see them succeed in life..i wanted to be a grandmother and watch my grandkids grow up....this cannot be happening to me....i ask what stage..he tells me we have more test to run and for me to come see him in two weeks after the test so we could discuss the next stage of my treatment..my treatment??? after i got off the phone with him i called my sister and we both cried...she told me..we got this...don't worry...since my mammogram was normal he sent me for another one to compare...sure enough..my now knot that is officially a tumor shows up clear as day...i remember sitting in the waiting room stunned and alone...there was a lady in there with me...she said are you here for your checkup? i told her no..they say i have cancer...she quits talking to me at this point..i think wow, now i know how my mom felt...people do that when you have cancer..they don't know what to say...a few minutes later the lady goes into another room and then comes to me and says..my sister wants to talk to you...she was in the mammogram room..i step in and she looks at me and tells me..listen girl...i had a lumpectomy, 11 lympnodes removed, chemo and radiation and i am now an 11 year survivor...your going to be fine! that was the first strong and positive comment i had received from anyone and i will never, ever forget this woman for what she did for me...she gave me hope and showed me i was not alone!!!! i wish so much i could see her now to thank her...God sent that angel to me......now, it was time for the breast mri..(check my pictures out on fb...my friends took them and by coming with me they made things so much easier)...finally, all test are done and it's time to see the surgeon for the final results...he walks into the room with the counselor and at this point it finally hits me...i have cancer...i got really pissy and just angry...he discuss with me and explains the differance between a lumpectomy and masectomy and gives me a choice of either..i wanted the masectomy, but had just been hired for a new job and no way could i miss 4 to 6 weeks of work so i chose the lumpectomy...i ask again, what is my stage..he tells me we will not know until i can take your lympnodes out and see if the cancer has spread...it had never dawned on me it might have spread to other parts of my body..i knew nothing about breast cancer and how it works...they try to give me books to read and i tell them no thank you..i don't want them...i was sooo angry by this point..why me? why now? what did i do to deserve this? i mean seriously? i left his office and went home to have my temper tantrum...i threw everything i owned that had any pink in it away and told God to kiss my a....and i hated him more than life itself....the next day i had a come to Jesus meeting and told God how sorry I was and to please help me...he told me...we got this...we got this and at this point i told satin to stand behind me and watch me roll....i had a sense of piece at this point....i then started my new job and ask my boss if i could have one day off...i chose a friday so i could have the weekend to recover from my surgery....unfortunately, i could not have this day off for 5 weeks so i cannot lie and say the torture of those 5 weeks not knowing if my cancer was in my body was the hardest thing i have ever done...i was able to come up with enough money to move into a cute apartment so that worry was solved..... i moved in the week before my surgery...my father came to my aide and helped me pay the rent so that i could afford the enormous medical bills that comes with cancer..
i am so blessed and have an awesome family and friends who supported me through all of this...i remember the day of my surgery being so nervous..not from surgery, but my results...i had 10 friends, my sister and daughter at the hospital with me and more family and friends waiting on the phone and hundreds praying for me....i will never forget waking up from surgery and my nurse telling me about her divorce she was going through...this was after she told me my lympnodes tested negative for cancer, which meant my cancer had not spread outside the tumor...i thanked God and then helped my nurse with her divorce issue..lol..we all celebrated at the varsity afterwards and i went dancing the next night against my doctors orders, but i did not care...i was celebrating...
i had been told that since my nodes were negative all i would have to do is some radiation...i was not scared of radiation so was excited...that was until two weeks later...because of my age they sent my tumor off to have a test called the ONCO DX done..this test checks for 21 diff genes and gives a prediction of a recurrence...huh? i have never thought about it coming back...freak out mode again....once my ONCO test came back i was now sent to see my oncologist (4 weeks since surgery)..he tells me my chances if I take radiation followed by 5 years of tamoxifen only are 26%...that's pretty high in the cancer world...if i did chemo, it would reduce my chances down to 13 to 15%....i remember saying to my oncologist..so, what, you will do a couple of rounds? he says no..if we do this, i am treating you no diff than someone who is stage 3 or 4..you get 8 rounds total..one every two weeks for a total of 16 weeks...WHAT? i tell him no thank you...my sister and i leave and talk about it and she says..barbie, what if your cancer comes back? your always going to wonder what if i did the chemo ...she was right so i called my chemo oncologist back the next day and we started the chemo the following week....
i will never forget sitting in that chair watching the chemo trickle down the iv drip and thinking i can pull this iv out and RUN! i don't want this, i don't want to do this and crying as i watched it...i am surprised i did not kill over from a heart attack during this time...finally, the chemo enters my body and my sense of peace came back over me...i would be ok....the first chemo i had was red and is nicknamed the "red devil" because it is so mean....i called it the red devil until i had a pink sister tell me..no girl, that is the blood of Jesus entering your body...WOW! WOW! yes, it is and cancer is of the devil and chemo is of God...i was never scared of chemo again....
as i was taking my 7th chemo treatment a "little voice" said to me..barbie, you had estrogen positive breast cancer and your mom died of ovarian cancer..estrogen comes from your ovaries..you need to have a hysterectomy...WHAT!!! where did that come from..NO ONE had discussed a hysterectomy with me..i am almost done with chemo and just have 33 rounds of radiation..i don't have time for a hysterectomy...not happening!!!that nagging voice would NOT leave me alone so i went to see my OBGYN...she agreed it would be a good idea ...my oncologist did not agree......then i find out..oh and btw you cannot take hormones after the hysterectomy so you will go staight into menopause...nice....just nice.....now i was not only going to be bald, i was going to be crazy and sweat all the time..oh yea..don't forget i'm single now to....yea, call me sexy....
i plan my next surgery during radiation...i was not scared of the surgery, but of the outcome as far as my emotions from having no ovaries...would i be diff, would i cry or be angry all the time...so many thoughts went through my head....i have my surgery and remember sitting in the hospital bed waiting on the crazy to come....it never did (some would argue with that...lol)..i feel no diff...other than some hot flashes and am more sensitive..my breast hurt until i found my tumor.....i know that was God...he wasn't finished with me...i go for my follow up appointment after my hysterectomy and my OGBYN walks in and looks at me and says.." you are one smart woman...how did you know?" How did i know what? she tells me both my ovaries had tumoros 1.5 cm and 2.0 cm inside of them...they were benign..but.....my jaw hit the ground...could not believe it...the ultrasound prior to surgery did not show this...God has plans for me and I have to follow threw with those plans one day at a time...I promised him if he got me threw this, i would pay it forward and he would get the glory...i know that hearing about breast cancer can be annoying to some and quiet frankly there are times, i just want to forget about it and never say the word again, but i cannot...it's a promise i have to fullfil even if it annoys at times...there will be someone i speak to who will be diagnosed or have a friend or family member and will remember something i say and will have hope..just like i did when that lady gave me hope....
later taters and thanks for listening and ignoring my typos... i work on a computer all day and just don't care when it's personal....:)
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